AKA Season Ate
So the Biggest Loser started on Tuesday and this season is going to be a doozy. Here are my thoughts on episode number one.
- I had considered tracking all the times people cried this year, but two minutes into the program, when people were already crying about nothing I realized that wouldn’t work. I swear that half the weight lost on this first episode was through tears.
- As they introduced the contestants we would see flashbacks to their lives back home, which apparently consisted only of activities to accentuate how fat they were. So we see them squirting chocolate syrup straight from the bottle into their mouth or trying to squeeze their ass into a bumper car. Real subtle, NBC. I’m not sure why they didn’t just show them splitting their pants, shattering chairs, and busting holes into trampolines.
- You would think this show would inspire you to lose weight, but it just made me feel better about myself. “These bitches can’t walk a mile without being medevaced off the beach? Damn, I’m not looking too shabby now.” It’s the good part of the season where everyone is fatter than you and you can be very self-righteous.
- Dan from last season returned this year. He is built like the Liberty Bell. And the greeting he got was comically intense. It was like he was the Beatles. Or at least the Monkees.
- I hope Tracey is okay. Because I can’t wait to laugh at her crawling towards the finish line and refusing help with a clear conscience.
- Speaking of that incident, when she fell and everyone went to help her up to cross the finish line, Antoine said he, “never saw anything like that in [his] life.” Apparently Antoine is unfamiliar with this commercial.
- When you’re casting a show like this, you have to make sure you’re going to have some people who are going to look pretty good once they lose the weight. You don’t want any trolls who are going to be equally unappealing fat or skinny. This season’s knockout-to-be is Rebecca.
- Poor Abby lost her entire family in a car accident. We learned this as the cast was sitting around getting to know one another and talking about their weight and how it has affected them. In the show, Abby’s story of losing her husband and two kids went last. I pray that’s the way it occurred in real life. Because if she told that heartbreaking story and it was followed up by Rebecca bawling and saying, “People say I have a pretty face!” That would have been awkward.
- Shay really shocked Bob when she stepped on the scale and weighed in at 470-something pounds. I wasn’t shocked by that. I was however, shocked that she had a mother who was 300 pounds and a heroin addict. If you can’t stay under 3 bills while you’re on heroin you’ve got a rough genetic hand, so this could prove to be a very tough journey for Shay.
- Bob and Jillian are two of my favorite people on TV. And this year they seem to be swearing at the people a lot more, which I heartily approve of.
- My favorite part of any Biggest Loser season is all the product placement. This week’s was for the Bodybugg which analyzes your calorie input and output throughout the day. That was easy enough to work into the episode. I look forward to later episodes when the products become less weight-related. Last year we learned how Ziploc storage containers help you to lose weight because you can put small amounts in them or something. And Marley and Me on DVD can help you to lose weight because…uhm… aww fuck it, just watch the stupid DVD.
- When Dr. Rob Huizenga comes in and tells you that you have the body of a 45-year old, when you’re only 30, what does that mean? I have the body of a healthy 45-year old? I have the body of a fat 45-year old? I have the body of the average 45-year old? That can’t be true, because the average 45-year old isn’t 200 pounds overweight. What is he saying? Is he saying that my life expectancy is 15 years shorter than a healthy person at my weight? If so, why doesn’t he just say that?
- This season’s cast is the biggest ever. I’m not sure how much longer this trend can go on. At some point you’re getting into “couch bound, washing with a sponge on a stick” territory. Reel it in a little, Biggest Loser.
