So, I’ve been eating apples for two days now. Fuji apples, to be specific. I had considered going to Whole Foods or something and getting a variety of apples, but then I thought that the slight variety would end up being more depressing than no variety at all. So I just went to the fruit and vegetable store near my apartment and loaded up on fuji apples.
If you’ve never subsisted on one thing for a couple days, here is the general pattern it takes. Before you start, you’re kind of excited. The novelty of the thing seems interesting. On the beginning of the first day you have your first apple and — if you like apples like I do — you think, this is going to be easy. Then, a little after lunch on that first day the novelty has worn off. By dinner you’re thinking, What else can be done with these things? So you’re baking them in the oven and stuff.
Now, by the time day two rolls around, there is no enthusiasm left and you’ll eat them just to have something in your stomach. On day one I had 10 apples. On day two I had two. That’s how it works. People often fall into the trap of looking at a diet and getting excited — “I can only eat pita bread, but I can have as much of it as I want!” Well, guess what, 8 hours into eat you’re like, “man, fuck pita bread.” People seem to think there is something magic about the food that causes you to lose weight. But really it’s just human nature to not eat much of one particular thing days on end.
The effect an all-apple diet has on your physiology is about what you’d expect. The best part is the spectacular noises your stomach makes. Combine semi-starvation with your stomach working through that fibrous pulp and you get some of the loudest stomach noises ever. Rumbles, gurgles, and squeals. I had to inform my co-workers, “That’s just my stomach.” Lest they think I suddenly decided it was socially acceptable to audibly fart at work (but what a utopia that would be).
Up next: two days of cheese.
